October 6, 2002 Meeting Minutes

Recorded by faithful secretary Matthew Warner.

The Mid-Atlantic Horror Professionals, nee Baltimore/Washington chapter of the Horror Writers Association, descended upon beautiful Chez Melniczek on October 6, 2002, to discuss various multiple-personality disorders, including its own. Members present included:

• Warner Scroggins, whose diligent efforts at submitting his fiction to markets has forestalled the wrath of the Horror Puppet Master;
• newbie J.J. Smith, the same;
• Joel R. Jacobs, who’s also been submitting stories, an activity he compares to throwing people off of cliffs (known by some of us as “fun”);
• Kelly Laymon, editor of Jobs In Hell and a devout fan of “Bum Fights”;
• Sheri White, who’s now in the anthology Decadence 2 and an authority on the texture of human cremains;
• Sarah Magruder, who’s beginning her conquest of the genre with an upcoming story at Horrorfind.com;
• Scott E. Bull, who has broken into Chizine without getting arrested;
• Meghan Fatras & husband Fran Fatras, guests of honor from the Garden State Horror Writers, here to debate the intricacies of heavy metal music theory;
• Matthew Warner, whose next fan club contest will be “Count My Chest Hairs”;
• Roger Range, rumored to have a secret “Data” button in his hip that makes him act drunk, protestations to the contrary notwithstanding;
• T.E. Lyons, who can tap his computer keys and give people orgasms everywhere;
• Ralph Bieber, who’s launching a horror bookstore despite warnings from NORAD;
• Andy Wardlaw, a screenwriter with the revealing e-mail handle, “I Laugh at Evil Dead Clowns”;
• Jacob D. Hadden, who’s gleefully sending readers of his Horrorfind.com story into psychotherapy;
• Ben Jarashow, who has submitted stuff everywhere and who should really change his last name to “Jericho”;
• J.F. Gonzalez, who, besides co-editing the Tooth & Claw anthology, authored MAHP Resolution #405-B, which states that romance books would be better if they had man-eating spiders in them;
• Paul Melniczek, who has so much shit coming out everywhere that we’re insanely jealous of him, and who has a really cool keg-refrigerator in his basement;
• Brian Keene, who cackles insanely whenever he talks about the various deals that he can’t talk about.

By the time we finished with introductions, the meeting was almost over. In the five minutes remaining before happy hour, we got a quick update from the officers:

• President Keene has found a printer for our 80,000-word chapter anthology that can do it for $2/copy. Since we’re planning on 500 copies and Treasurer Bieber says we’ve only raised two-tenths of the money needed, we’re considering various fundraising activities, including the breeding of vampire cockroaches and busting the Blues Brothers out of Joliet prison to put on a show.
• Hand-in-hand with our slow cashflow is the fact that we’re so good at scaring people that the public is afraid to submit to our Halloween fiction contest. The contest judges, therefore, went into executive session in the Melniczek guild hall to lay plans and cook something in a big cauldron. Servants passing under the eaves reported hearing the phrase, “It’s alive!” repeated over and over, and the static of high-voltage electricity.

After flipping a coin several times, we still couldn’t decide whether to call ourselves the Mid-Atlantic Horror Professionals or the Baltimore-Washington chapter of the Horror Writers Association. This caused a great deal of consternation until we decided to do both. This cheerful dualism will be reflected in a mirror website constructed by webcaesars Will Ludwigsen and Jacob Hadden. The issue of whether to legally incorporate remains on the table. Discussion ensued about whether to get a bigger table.

The meeting concluded with a romp through the Melniczek hunting grounds, where members saw the fabled Bigfoot. The sighting was authenticated by the fact that the animal yelled, “Growl, growl! Snarl, snarl!” and left behind several beer droppings.

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